what does my life look like if it doesn't look like this? what does it look like if i don't do the same things everyday? why do i choose the same reality day after day? why am i paralyzed by fear to alter simple routines? why does cutting out certain things feel like the loss of a limb? is that a good thing or a bad thing? is it bad because i've chosen to abandon something that is dear to me, something that i am comfortable in, or is it good because that thing so dear to me brought so much stress to my life? is it quitting something that i am passionate about or is it kicking an addiction? can the addiction be both a benefit and detrimental? i suppose by very definition this is true.

back to the real question - if i don't do this, what do i do? have i opened a door to limitless possibilities or closed a door on a valuable outlet and resource? do i harm myself or others in this or do i harm myself or others without it? the internet and mothering have become in many ways just something to do, something i work at as a default when there's nothing left to do or in order not to think. is it possible that i could spend that time much more creatively and be something better than i am or will i merely fill the space with the mundane? which is better? which is more purely virtuous? which benefits my children? my family? myself? what do i do if i don't do that? a list:

• take walks
  
• drink tea
  
• write
  
• paint
  
• knit (learn to knit)
  
• sew
  
• think of new things to try
  
• grow things
  
• craft
  
• purge
  
• get more sleep
  
• read
  
• finish the plant hanger
  
• finish the quilt
  
• write letters to grandma
  
• hang out with friends
  
• have sex
  
• bake
  
• get things done in a timely manner
  
• make collages
  
• keep track of unschooling stuff
  
• think
  
• go to the library
  
• visit museums
  
• go to the nature center
  
• take the kids to the park
  
• put together the photo albums
  
• go vegan
  
• write down funny things aleks says
  
• finish bastian's baby book
  
• listen to music
  
• fix the quilts
  
• do yoga
  
• write poetry
  
• work on my book
  
• take a class
  
• study midwifery
  
• create who i am
  
• ask important questions
  
• volunteer at the food co-op
  
• make sure aleks brushes his teeth everyday
  
• blog
  
• return emails
  
• go somewhere
  
• solve the energy crisis
  
• take more photos
  
• try to understand quantum physics
  
• explore the universe
  
• compose a letter to opt out of christmas
  

if i get too busy, i can't do the things that really nourish me and add something to the world for those in my immediate vicinity. on the other hand, i think my service at mothering was and is a good thing that benefits others all over the world. but i need a break and all those others deserve someone with fresh dedication and enthusiasm.