i wish i were happier, hipper, freer, braver, bolder, friendlier, younger, wealthier, smarter, older, nicer, cuter, sexier, fitter, stronger, cleaner, messier, wiser, more awake, more active, more creative, more talented, more beautiful, more interesting, more exciting, more fun, more patient, more willing, more able, more caring, more careful, more gentle, more flexible; a better mother, wife, lover, friend, companion, artist, writer, housekeeper, woman, person, life form.
sometimes i hate everything. i have to pee right now. my son is sleeping with my husband on the bed. he's been grumpy today, but i don't think he's sick and i don't think he's getting any teeth. we went on a long walk to buy mayonaise and cinnamon swirl bread at great harvest. we saw that up close the houses need fresher paint. there were bluebells blooming in all the yards. and crocus and dafodils. one house was using a moose antler as a doorstop for their storm door. four blocks down from higgins, i realized that baby boy had dropped his bead ring. so we turned around. he was sleeping. we retraced our steps until we found the bead ring on a picket of a fence. there was an old man there with his grand-daughter cleaning out the yard. they said they found it on the sidewalk. we said thank you and took evans back home instead of beckwith. the street names are stamped into the concrete on the corners in this neighborhood. on all the corners on evans, it's spelled "evens". i thought about writing the city to find out why, but decided that since some of the corners had been replaced, it's probably been long enough that nobody knows or remembers. maybe i'm just being lazy. i had a fight this morning with my friend matt. i don't want to talk about it. i've been reading guerilla learning by grace lewellyn and i'm considering homeschooling alex when he gets older. i think i might be okay at it, but i have to learn to relax about his development. then i saw a baby who i think is younger than alex crawling and that whole being mindful about him developing at his own rate went out the window. sometimes i hate everything.