psycho pregnant lady. qu’est que c’est? this is not how this was supposed to be going. there was a picture in my head of the ideal - the contented, glowing me, patiently guiding my two-year old through activities, but instead i do nothing and want nothing to do and am impatient and tired and aching. and today, as he limps around the house and we contemplate a trip to the emergency room, i am frantically packing for the weekend away and trying to distract him as he unpacks the suitcase and demands the tube of toothpaste and whatever else might catch his eye. as he crawls on hands and knees, one foot stuck out to avoid applying excess pressure, i try to be calm, gentle, the zen-mother, but instead say "no" five hundred times and become exasperated, nauseous and want only to lay down, to sleep. the pacifier has broken at the same time as possibly his foot and we are dealing with the absence of it, the unexpected weaning from it. i am relying on jon to be the parent that i cannot. i am not sure that it is working. is he really looking to me to instruct, to complete the task? must i always be on top of everything? it is just this moment of hurrying to get ready, i think. it is just right now. it will pass. but did i mention yet that i am tired? that i am ready and waiting to do absolutely nothing? will that day ever come?
how to break a foot:
i will blame you, the people of this country, if bush is elected. i will blame you for the undoing of every positive democratic measure of the last 70 years, the bankrupting of social security, the shipping of jobs overseas, the mass consumption of oil, rampant consumerism, mass homophobia, racism, the degradation of our forests, the collapse of all positive environmental policies into an oil regime, the destruction of everything that i believe to be good about america. and i will not go quietly into my hole and shut up about it. i will be loud and i will be obnoxious. i will blame you and i will stick my finger in your face for your misplaced values and your malshapen morals. i am pregnant with my second child and i want only for that child to have a world to grow up in with clean air and water and a social fabric that values life and appreciates diversity. i want so badly to remain hopeful, but at three in the morning i find myself in tears, filled with an outrage that i had not known possible. when all the world was full of possibility, this country bankrupted of a sense of justice folded under the weight of their own ego. what a disappointment you have become.